Melancholy in music, Ghosts in silence

The music is doing it again. Days and weeks can go by and the music just plays, but then a day like today comes along, and every song is a reminder of something I can't remember. Tears spring up without the slightest clue as to why. The music does it. The melody, the chorus, the harmony just pierces the darkness and plucks at my heart strings. Songs about soldiers, about children, about love carry sadness in their words. Songs about parents, or pride, or loss bring with them tear drops.

No memory rises from the murky depths to explain my melancholy. What the hidden meaning in these songs is I do not know. But I do know that it breaks through my walls and defenses and finds whatever it is that is locked so deeply inside that I don't even know it exists. I wonder if it is safer that way, if not knowing is what keeps it alive inside me, because I know right now I would love to remove whatever it is that makes me feel this way.

I could turn off the music, but then I would be left with the silence of my mind, and that is far worse, because then I would not have the music to blame for my sadness. It would just be me and the memories I cannot remember but wish I could truly forget. The silence would only give me time to listen to my ghosts, feeling them around me but never seeing them. So I will take the music and whatever it may bring, rather than face the silence and what I know hides within.

What I see

My dearest love has eyes that shine,

and skin that glows, and hair so fine.

My dearest love has legs so tone,

a waist so small, and fine cheek bones.

But what I love most is not eyes, skin, or hair

it’s not her waist or her legs, or her cheek bones so fair.

I love her blemishes, freckles, and scars

I love her flaws no matter how bad she thinks they are.

Because each one is a part of her life

a moment of struggle, of battle and strife.

And more than her body, hair and skin,

I love who she is, the woman within.

Words from the past

I had the privilege of reading something I had written some time ago. It's amazing, I think, to read what you had thought and felt in the past and be able to compare those feelings to how you feel now. The writing itself interests me as well. I like reading my own papers. My memory is such that I can only barely remember what I wrote, but upon reading it again I can recall the feelings, the emotion that went into each word. What I read was a description of my best friend and I. It starts with how we met as teenagers in school, and reading it I remember the feeling of growing up with her. The happiness and joy, the excitement when we would get together, the love that started there. My words carried me through some of our fun times, and I had written about the hardships our friendship faced, the distance that we had to overcome as well as my own foolishness at times. We stayed friends, and we are still best friends, as well as so much more. I liked reading this paper that I had written before because it shows what was there and is still there. I talk about our friendship, our bond to one another. I say that we are linked, because we are. I believe now more than ever that we are two halves to the same whole. I speak of her as I saw her then, and every thing I said about her has held true to this day. Here is the post "best-friend-for-life" so that what I am trying to convey can be better understood. Suffice it to say I had found my best friend, and I knew it.

Early morning

 I heard my phone alarm in the other room, but it was not what woke me. I was awakened by the feel of you close to me. I was happily awakened by the soft sound of your breathing and the warmth of your body. My alarm meant that I had stayed here all night with you, sleeping together in your bed. I knew that I should get up and go, that we were pressing our luck, but I could not leave you just yet.

 I ran my hand along your body, sliding down your legs to where I could reach and massaging gently as I went. I was rewarded with soft moans as I cared for you. I moved then to your arms, running my fingers up and down, then holding your hands in mine. I placed my hand on your chest, near your heart, and whispered our love words in your ear.

 When you woke, the day began and we had to get to living our lives, but in those moments prior I was living my dream.

hazy

I don't feel right today. There is a cloud over things, a fog over my thoughts and feelings, leaving everything hazy and distorted. I want it to clear. I feel there are important things I should be focusing on, but I cannot get my mind to clear. There is light here and there, and darkness here and there, and it's hard to tell which I am walking toward and which I am walking from. I just hope the fog clears soon so I can figure out where I should be putting my attentions. Maybe if the sun shines long enough it might burn away the haze in my mind. Until then, it's loud music and scowls...

Alone

Sometimes I feel lonely as I sit at my desk. It's amazing how three little walls can put up such high barriers around you. It sometimes feels like I'm the only one in the building, in town, in the world. It feels like everyone decided to sneak out while I wasn't looking. Then I get sad, because I'm lonely.

 But when that happens, when I get lonely like that, I open my wallet and pull out a little slip of paper that simply says "I love you! XOXO" and it's as if a veil is lifted. I'm not lonely anymore, maybe she'll text me, or maybe we'll talk on my way home, but if not I know she will be there when our lives give us some time to be together. And I know that, even when I'm lonely, I am never alone.

Head pain

 Headaches make me angry. I get annoyed with my head for hurting, then frustrated at the light for hurting my eyes. Then the people just won't stop talking in their not a whisper voice that just grates on my nerves. Everything becomes a hassle, a pain to be endured. When I have a headche it is like I am transformed to Mr. Hyde. All the niceness and optimism I normally feel, all the caring for others and not caring about the wrong they do me goes away. I just want to yell at everyone, to tell them to get the hell away from my cube, QUIETLY, and shut off the damn lights on their way out the BUILDING!

 It just shows what a great Libra I am, because even though thats what is going through my mind I am still smiles and good natured remarks. I still encourage and do my best to help others, but really I just want to tell them to go away as I lay my forehead against the barely cool desk top and wait for my sanity to return.

 So, if we ever meet, and I say I have a headache, know that that means to run. Run as far as your legs can carry you because I won't be a nice guy.