Opinions that do not matter

I have to remind myself sometimes. It's not easy, because before yours was the only opinion that mattered. Now, what you think about me has nothing to do with me. 

If you don't want to believe me, I do not need you to. Your mood is not my responsibility. I don't have to fix it, make you happy, explain myself. I did what I did and said what I said. How you take it is entirely up to you and has no effect on my life.

I know what it said is true, and my opinion of myself is what matters.

One touch

 That was all it took. Her hand on my cheek. The world froze for a second. Not because her hand was cold, which it was, but because it felt so normal, so simple, so comfortable. 

But my brain said no! This is not normal anymore. This is odd, do not be taken in by kindness and warmth and the illusion of comfort. My body was completely fooled. It was ready to lean into the comfort. 

Can't go back

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. There's no going back now. The bridge has been fully burned. She loves another and she has made it clear. I have heard enough about him and her feelings that I can no longer look at her the same way. 

If she came to me tomorrow and said she was wrong and she wants to go back, I would have to say no. I cannot go back. I cannot go back to the toxic relationship we had, and it was toxic for both of us. We both need to grow before we should try again with anyone.

I've started that journey. At first it was for her, then for my kids, and now it's for me. I want to be a better person, the kind I can love so I can receive love. 

I hope she can grow as well. I dont think loving this man is it. But I cannot tell her how to walk her road, because I barely know how to walk mine. I just hope she finds peace and happiness on her road. 

why aladdin

Do you know why, when anything halloween comes up, my first thought is Aladdin? Because you were Jasmine, and you were jaw dropping. My first thought is not aladdin. Its not the silly pants or the little hat. Its the braid, and the tanned skin, and the demure smile you wore. It was you. You are why I go to Aladdin.

There a thousand small ways that you have influenced my world. The memories I hold are only the ones I connect with you. 

I love the hunchback of note dame cartoon movie, always have. But after knowing you, it is my favorite, because you ARE Esmerelda. Beauty and fire and sass. You would rather burn than wilt.

There is a whole world out there untouched by you, but it is not a world I've ever wanted to see, because it would lack all the colors I love so much, the smells that bring me joy and peace, the sites that send my heart soaring. 

You are the color, and the warmth, and the light that turns Grey and dreary winter into vibrant and renewing spring. 

So yes Aladdin is my first thought on my costume, becaus Jasmine was yours.

All knotted up

It was one of the cutest and most endearing things you used to do. That should have been a clue that you were unhappy, when you stopped doing it. Now I miss it.

Whenever I would wear something that had strings around the neck, a hoodie or a jacket, didn't matter what, you would make a little know at the top and then braid it down as you talked to me. So simple, yet so loving. I could see the pure happiness on your face and the look you gave me was pure and innocent. 

Your small dexterous hands wove the strings and your eyes captured my gaze. It would take me forever to pull it apart, but I would happily spend an hour unraveling it if it meant you would do it again the next time you saw me. 

Now, whenever something I wear has strings, I debate on whether to cut them off or live with this tiny reminder of your innocent love everywhere I go.

pillow memory

There's a memory i have of you. You are laying on a pillow facing me, and I am facing you. Inches separate us, only inches between your eyes and mine, and I am looking into them.

Why does it feel like flying, why does my heart feel like I'm at the top of a roller coaster? Why does it feel like diving, as if I am held in waters cool embrace? Why does it feel like falling, down down down into an abyss.

Why is it whenever I look into your eyes I'm brought back to that moment, that memory, that feeling of flying, falling, and diving. 

Damn, cat

She did it again today. I was hiding in the bathroom, my heart into pieces on the floor, trying not to so too loudly. 

I couldn't move, and breathing felt like daggers. Just another line severed between us, no big deal. One less thing to talk about, one more thing to divide us.

I have to match your energy, and thats the part that makes me weep. Because I cannot love another. I am not free. I'm supposed to act single, act like we are just roommates, act like I have no interest in you beyond what any other man finds in a woman.

You've had years to deal with the pain and loss, and you are out of those woods and on a new path. I am just starting to get to the darkest part of the Woods.

We set a boundary, and you're lready testing it. Seeing how much you can say before i push back, but it is so raw for me. It feels like the last thread holding together the tapestry of our past. It's cut, but until I pull the pieces out your going to keep talking about it unraveling like its not the end of our life.

Then the cat cries at the door, again and again. Until I have to pull myself together and let her in. She walks in, walks around, and then leaves. And I'm so uncomprehending I just follow, and once I'm out of the bathroom I'm back in the world and the lid shut on that particular box.