Window of heaven on the road to hell

Why are you so damned beautiful! How can you break my heart and steal my breath in the same morning. How can you wake up looking like my personal window of heaven, smile so bright I swear you swallowed the stars, move like a dancer across the stage, then nonchalantly tell me you dreamt of him last night. 

It's my own fault of course. You aren't doing any of it on purpose, you're just being. You wake up an angel, your smile always shines, and your walk has always made me weak.

And I asked about your dream. It's my fault, but it's also good. It grounded me back in the real world. Back in the world where I am learning to love you without breaking myself.

I was loving you all morning, never expecting anything back. The dream hurt, but didn't shatter, because I knew that was your world and your life. I can love you while you move through your life and I move through mine. 

I still had to write it though, because your wild hair and smile wouldn't leave me. The desire to kiss your forehead this morning, to take your hand in mine was so strong. But I resisted. 

Dresses

 So many dresses. I went through them to find one we have been looking for. I pulled out each one, made it ready to be worn with the sleeves right or turned right side out, then I held it up, imagined you in it, then set it aside.

I told you often I love you in dresses, and now I wonder if that's why you stopped wearing them. Why would you dress up for someone you do not feel comfortable with. I know how strong willed you are, and how little my opinion matters, but maybe it tipped a scale I wasn't aware of.

I have watched you dress and undress, change and try on so many clothes over the years. In this tiny little world I've been living in it is a time I have often treasured. I have to expand my world, and those moments are coming to an end.

I hope that there will come a time when you wear dresses again. 

That damn cat

 I don't know where I would be right now if not for that damned cat and feeding time. 

I was so lost, so overwhelmed. Crying and screaming and dying into a silly bed my kid made. My heart was shattering and shattering. I couldn't breathe, couldn't lift my head from the pillows. I couldn't anything. I couldn't be. So much pain I caused was just piling on top of me, pushing my head down harder. 

I felt like giving up. Just screaming all the air out and not letting any back in.

But the cat needed to be fed. She jumped on the bed and cried at me. Moved around the bed and cried again. I would lift my hand and she would dart toward the door, only to come back and cry again. I turned my head from the pillow and said "ok, I'm going." She didn't accept that and kept crying till I was up and moving. 

I got her food, and made the bed. I cleaned the litter box. I made my morning calls. I'm going to cut the lawn. I do not know about tomorrow, but I know I'll be feeding that damn cat at least.