Foolish thought

It really was foolish. I thought we had gotten to a point where we can joke together, poke fun at each other. I was in a good mood, trying to be fun and happy, and she was not enjoying it. I disregarded it, not out of cruelty, but because I did not think trying to be friendly could be hurtful, but it was to her. When she told me, I finally realized her annoyance wasn't just genuine, it was only the top level of what my attempts at banter were making her feel. 

She made it very plain when she told me. She doesn’t want to banter with me. I told her I will stop, and I fully plan to. I have no desire to hurt her or make her uncomfortable.

I thought we were becoming friends again, and that we could just joke with each other. What a foolish thought. Thats not the relationship we have, and if i want to be a friend I have to find out the type of friend she needs me to be, or leave her alone so she can be happy elsewhere.

difference

There is a big difference between us. As strange as it may seem, it is in the way we handle snoring. For you, my snoring is a nuisance, and it's a big enough problem that you will wake me from a dead sleep to stop it. 

For me, it's beautiful. It means that you are fully asleep, that whatever scratching or back rubbing I've done has worked and you are so relaxed that you've completely let your guard down. I will rub your back for an hour if it means I get to hear you softly snore at the end.

Even more ridiculous are the few times you really snore, a full bodied, chainsaw snore that's part stuffy nose and part deep deep breathes. I love it. I imagine that means your body is sunken into the bed and your mind is drifting on clouds somewhere in dreams of whatever brings you joy. 

Opinions that do not matter

I have to remind myself sometimes. It's not easy, because before yours was the only opinion that mattered. Now, what you think about me has nothing to do with me. 

If you don't want to believe me, I do not need you to. Your mood is not my responsibility. I don't have to fix it, make you happy, explain myself. I did what I did and said what I said. How you take it is entirely up to you and has no effect on my life.

I know what it said is true, and my opinion of myself is what matters.

One touch

 That was all it took. Her hand on my cheek. The world froze for a second. Not because her hand was cold, which it was, but because it felt so normal, so simple, so comfortable. 

But my brain said no! This is not normal anymore. This is odd, do not be taken in by kindness and warmth and the illusion of comfort. My body was completely fooled. It was ready to lean into the comfort. 

Can't go back

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. There's no going back now. The bridge has been fully burned. She loves another and she has made it clear. I have heard enough about him and her feelings that I can no longer look at her the same way. 

If she came to me tomorrow and said she was wrong and she wants to go back, I would have to say no. I cannot go back. I cannot go back to the toxic relationship we had, and it was toxic for both of us. We both need to grow before we should try again with anyone.

I've started that journey. At first it was for her, then for my kids, and now it's for me. I want to be a better person, the kind I can love so I can receive love. 

I hope she can grow as well. I dont think loving this man is it. But I cannot tell her how to walk her road, because I barely know how to walk mine. I just hope she finds peace and happiness on her road. 

why aladdin

Do you know why, when anything halloween comes up, my first thought is Aladdin? Because you were Jasmine, and you were jaw dropping. My first thought is not aladdin. Its not the silly pants or the little hat. Its the braid, and the tanned skin, and the demure smile you wore. It was you. You are why I go to Aladdin.

There a thousand small ways that you have influenced my world. The memories I hold are only the ones I connect with you. 

I love the hunchback of note dame cartoon movie, always have. But after knowing you, it is my favorite, because you ARE Esmerelda. Beauty and fire and sass. You would rather burn than wilt.

There is a whole world out there untouched by you, but it is not a world I've ever wanted to see, because it would lack all the colors I love so much, the smells that bring me joy and peace, the sites that send my heart soaring. 

You are the color, and the warmth, and the light that turns Grey and dreary winter into vibrant and renewing spring. 

So yes Aladdin is my first thought on my costume, becaus Jasmine was yours.

All knotted up

It was one of the cutest and most endearing things you used to do. That should have been a clue that you were unhappy, when you stopped doing it. Now I miss it.

Whenever I would wear something that had strings around the neck, a hoodie or a jacket, didn't matter what, you would make a little know at the top and then braid it down as you talked to me. So simple, yet so loving. I could see the pure happiness on your face and the look you gave me was pure and innocent. 

Your small dexterous hands wove the strings and your eyes captured my gaze. It would take me forever to pull it apart, but I would happily spend an hour unraveling it if it meant you would do it again the next time you saw me. 

Now, whenever something I wear has strings, I debate on whether to cut them off or live with this tiny reminder of your innocent love everywhere I go.