no help

I am missing you my little ones. You are so far from me, and I can do nothing but hope for your well being. It is such a helpless feeling, because I can't be there for you. If you fall down and scrape your knee I cannot kiss it or get you a band-aid. There are so many moments in your lives I'm missing out on and when I stop and think of them it is too much, a crushing weight in my heart. I listen to music, to alleviate the pain, the sounds and lyrics washing away the painful thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me. But today the music is against me. Each song brings you to mind. Each chorus seems like a tiny dagger piercing me. I'm fighting these saddening, maddening feelings as best I can, but I am drowning in them, barely treading water, the fill my lungs, weigh me down, clog my mind, Im pushing and pushing, and still I go under. The darkness of my thoughts envelopes me and I am lost to the world, to the smiling people around me, to the questions and banter of my coworkers. I am deaf and blind and numb to the world. The only feelings I have now are on the inside, and they are painful.