I have to separate myself from this, but I'm not sure how. Every time we spend time together I am so happy because it feels like how I wanted it to be all these years. The fog is gone, the voice that lied to me only a murmur. I can just be with you. I can be in the moment and feel your presence and your light.
So how do I give that up now that I finally have it. I have to, of course. It sends my heart soaring forward to a place where we are friends. When I rub your back or scratch that itch, I think this is helping build a bridge, that we are building a bond to friendship. Then you remind me with brutal efficiency that this is not the case. We are NOT friends. We are roommates, and not to the "get along" kind. We are co livers.
It crushes me every time. You are firmly in the roommate phase and I keep trying to step forward, and I have to stop. I have to just be a roommate. But what about all the things that make me happy, that bring me joy. Do I have to lose them again. Spending time with you, putting lotion on your legs, hearing the gentle sigh when I find the itch or that sore spot with my thumb.
How can that be ok? How can I separate my joy from this drive to be friends. I don't want to be sad all the time, and alone. I've been there and it was a well so deep I almost drowned. So how do I grow if I'm forced back in that hole.
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