Magical

December's going to be magical. That's what she heard, and I believe. I feel that. There was snow on the rooftops, our kid was singing Christmas music, and I pulled a Christmas sweater out of the drawer on a whim. 

I feel a shift, and I am going to place my hope and my energy into making sure it is a good one for her, and for our family. I want us all to wake up one day this month and just feel magical.

the happiness I missed

This is the happiness I've always wanted.  Sitting at the counter while we sip drinks and you make food. We talk about whatever nonsense we've heard, kids, work, gossip. We just enjoy each other and the moment. This is what I was missing. This is what I missed. And now, one of these times soon, it will be the last time I get to be here with you.

Better as a memory

A song came on that is emotional for both of us. Better as a memory by Kenny chesney. When we were first showing our feelings I felt like I was going to lose her and I told her this was our song. She argued with me and said that's dumb.We haven't heard it in years, then it played after our split and now it played while we were in the kitchen together. She called me over and we hugged and whispered happy Thanksgiving. Then we went on about our day. It was a calm and kind moment, if also a little sad threaded in there.

morning feelings

I felt so much love for you this morning. I kept catching myself glancing your way. Something in the way you get ready for the day stirs in me so much feeling.

It's sad really, loving you while you get ready to go see someone else. But it's been that way. You don't dress for me. You say you dress for yourself, but your mind is always on someone else. People you'll see today, coworkers, a Love interest.

Still, your morning routine is this strange place where my heart reaches for you, I see the wild haired beautiful you turn into the pristine curated you everyone else sees. 

Every morning I watch his from the corner of my eye, or a stolen glance, and fall for you all over again.

(Sorta) Daily journal 11/24

  What am I grateful for?

That, even when I fuck up, she can still come to me when she needs someone to listen.

That mistakes are not the end, they're just a chance to do better tomorrow.

For the peace she brought just being human with me.

For good routines 

What is weighing on me right now?

I have to make sure the lessons stick. I cannot make those mistakes again (even though i know i might).

I need to be more productive somehow.

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Working in the evening

Painting with her

Messed Up

 I fucked up. I said something that wasn't true and hurt her, then I slid right back into disassociating with my phone when I should have been present.

It's hard not to tear myself down right now. It's hard not to feel like I've ruined all of the work I put in to being a better person. It's hard not to feel like it's impossible.

I have to remind myself again and again that this was a mistake, not the end. I can learn from this, put into action things that will prevent this in the future, and keep working toward being that better person. I have to prove to myself I can do this. I have to stay humble, and not get too comfortable in thinking I am so far ahead that I can't fall all the way back down.

I hate that it was so easy to slip back into. I am so thankful for her, even though I hate that she has to do this. She pointed it out in the most blunt and straightforward way that left no room for me to argue. And she was right. I hate disappointing her again, because I know I have so many times before. I want to never do it again, but I cannot promise that. I can only try again and again to do better, for me and her and our family. 

I do not want to be her burden anymore, so I have to build myself up so she never has to call me out.  

Why

Why do I love you so damn much. Why is my heart so stuck on you. You've found someone else. You've moved on. You've said we're done again and again. Still my heart persists.

Why can't I just accept we're through. You don't love me anymore, there's no going back and no going forward, and yet my soul calls out whenever we are near. 

Why are you so beautiful in my eyes. You've cut me down, called me names, made me feel small and weak and useless. Yet everything you do is a dance, a play, and sultry song that heats my blood.

Why won't my mind rebel. It's so logical, it sees the hurt and the pain and knows the facts and reality, but still it sits back and let's my heart run, hope simmer, and desire soar. 

In the end, why not. 

Not around

I miss you when you're not around. I miss you when you are as well, because you keep me at more than arms length, but when you are not around there is a part of my mind and my heart that is tied to thoughts of you. It feels like I'm not complete.  That's just a feeling I'm going to have to get used to. Being apart is going to be the new normal, and that wall your building will only get taller and thicker.

Window of heaven on the road to hell

Why are you so damned beautiful! How can you break my heart and steal my breath in the same morning. How can you wake up looking like my personal window of heaven, smile so bright I swear you swallowed the stars, move like a dancer across the stage, then nonchalantly tell me you dreamt of him last night. 

It's my own fault of course. You aren't doing any of it on purpose, you're just being. You wake up an angel, your smile always shines, and your walk has always made me weak.

And I asked about your dream. It's my fault, but it's also good. It grounded me back in the real world. Back in the world where I am learning to love you without breaking myself.

I was loving you all morning, never expecting anything back. The dream hurt, but didn't shatter, because I knew that was your world and your life. I can love you while you move through your life and I move through mine. 

I still had to write it though, because your wild hair and smile wouldn't leave me. The desire to kiss your forehead this morning, to take your hand in mine was so strong. But I resisted. 

what was it

Was it real?? A dream? Wishful thinking perhaps? I have been meditating and manifesting and hoping and even praying, but tonight I felt something. I haven't felt it before all the times I've done it. I meditated and placed a hand on my chest and spoke my feelings, spoke my love, spoke my hopes, spoke my dreams. As I spoke I felt my chest get warm, it began to vibrate, and it felt energetic. I kept speaking and repeated my words. It felt like I was heard, like someone was listening and understood. I dont know what that means, if anything, but it felt like someone really heard me.

Give to you as you give to him

Even as you tell me that you miss him and it makes you sad, even as we talk about him like he's the most important thing in your life, I just want to lay beside you and pull you into me. I want to hold you close and breathe in the scent of you. I want to feel your back rise and fall against my chest. I want to press my feet against your feet as you cricket. I want to put my arm over you and pull you close until there is no space left between us, and I just want to stay there.

You can keep talking about him, and your feelings, and how much you miss him, just let me hold you while you do. Let me pour my love into you as you give your thoughts and energy to someone else.

Accept

 I have loved you for more than 25 years. I loved you in high school, sitting and listening to you love others. Even as I went to war and you to marriage, I loved you. I loved you from oceans away, those nights when I fell asleep on the phone were the nights I slept best. I loved you as we sat across from each other at the IHOP, seeing you filling my heart to bursting. I loved you through my marriage, and through your divorce. I loved you through my divorce, and your adventurous phase. I would again sit and listen to you talk about other men wishing you would see me sitting there loving you. I loved becoming your man, raising your kids, how you worked so hard to help me get mine back, and the family we created all together. I loved you as we filled a jar with sand, and gave vows to one another. I loved you as we made a new life together. I loved you as you held our baby boy in your arms. I loved you from house to house, and then finally to our home.

I loved you even as the clouds started to form, even as my mind began tricking me. I loved you as I twisted what you needed into falsehoods of what I thought you wanted. I loved you, even as I hurt you again and again, not seeing the hurt through the constant darkness I was in. I loved you, even as I stepped away because I fooled myself into thinking space was what you needed, when all I wanted to do was hold your hand and kiss your head. I loved you, even as we grew apart and you survived alone and I drowned.

I loved you, even as you tell me you are done. That there was no more love left. I loved you, and watched the darkness finally clear to the cruelty I had caused. I loved you, sitting next to you and listening to the hurt I caused, the list of all the ways I failed you. I loved you even as you told me about the other man, the better man who sees you for who you are. I loved you as you fell in love with him. 

I love you now, even as you want him and can't have him. I love you now, even as you remind me that we are DONE. I love you now, even as my heart breaks at the knowledge we cannot be together.

I will always love you. There is nothing you can do to make me stop. You cannot hurt me enough. I cannot hate you enough, to overcome this ocean of love I have built up for you. So please accept it. Accept that I love you with no expectation of being loved in return. Accept that I love you and I want only to help you find happiness and peace, and that I will do everything in me to make your dreams a reality. Accept that I will always be with you in whatever way I can to support you and care for you.

You are my whole heart, and you always will be.

Love Always,

Me

Burst Heart

 That was rough. Reading those words "he cares about me a lot" broke me. I felt it in my chest like an anvil was placed in the center of me. I couldn't move, I could hardly breathe. I felt like I was dying. It still hurts, like a bruise on my sternum.

 I can't catch my breath. There are tears but they won't fall. So much pain. Fuck, how do I continue like this. It won't be like this every time, will it? Every time she tells me he cares, or someone else. Every time she finds happiness, will it break me over and over?

 I'm so glad she could find happiness and feel that care, but how do I live like this? I'm glad it was a message and she didn't say it to my face. I would not be able to hide the pain that brought. If I wasn't sitting down, it would certainly have brought me to my knees.

 I need to get a thicker skin, to be prepared for those moments. I can't let her see that. That is not her cross to bear. It is mine. I only have love and care to give her, I will keep everything else.  

one thing I dont like

Its the one thing I do not like about you. You are an angel and you treat yourself like you're not.

You have saved lives, banished darkness, fought demons. You bring light to every room you walk into. You fight against evil wherever you find it.

You don't always win, and this world is great at crushing beautiful beings. But you are still here, standing tall, getting stronger every day. 

You are an angel, and I cherish every day I get to feel your light shine upon my face.

Cruel Universe

 Why does the universe have to be so cruel. It gave so many signs to her that this was the way, that he was in her path for a reason. It gave her so much happiness and hope seeing him and interacting with him, and now I don't know how she is going to feel going forward.

 Why would the world do that? Give her these feelings and have him mirror them, just so he can pull away like that! It's not right. She deserves to be happy. I want her to be happy, even though it's not with me. I want her to be that giddy teenage girl again, falling hard and feeling free. I want her to smile and laugh and be light. She has been in a cage for so long, it is time for her to fly! So why did the universe do this. What are we supposed to learn from this?

 I was fine with the universe giving me all the shit. Poking me and prodding me with love here and reconciliation there, constantly assaulting my broken heart with things it could never hope to have. I was fine with it even when it knocked me to my knees, because at least on the other side of all that was her getting every sign that she wanted. So now what universe. What signs will you give now. I am starting to see lost love messages everywhere, all saying how I will never get you back but I will love you always, and I feel that to my bones. It shakes me like an earthquake because I feel like that is reality.

 What about her?! What is her reality now. It wasn't all wrapped around him, but he is an integral part of it, and now it is shrouded in confusion and longing and pain.  I know she is strong and he will get through this, but she has been strong ling enough! Now is the time she should get to be soft, to be loved and cared for. She won't let me do that for her, but damn it I wish I could.

 I'm upset with you universe, and I hope you will make it right with her. She deserves better than what happened.  

choose

I want you to be with me. I want you to choose us. I have a desperate hope that you will look at me one day and say I choose this.

I know i failed you and us. I am choosing us every day now. In the quiet of the morning I close my eyes and reaffirm that I want it to be us, I want it to be you. I will love you freely, without any expectation. I will show you care because you deserve to be cared about. I will be your friend even if it hurts.

I will never ask you to choose us. I will not be the runner up for your love. Its one of the few things my heart couldn't handle. I need you to choose us, and to tell me you do. I will continue to live and support you even if those words never come, but if they do then we can truly start over. We can build a new life and relationship together.

I love you.

Love Always,

Me

unmoving

When I woke this morning you leg was resting on my knee. I was in a awkward position, but in that moment I would have stayed like that for hours. Even as the ache in my hips grew and my shoulder cried out, I held on to that touch. Then you shifted and it was gone, and even under all the covers I felt colder than before. Every touch of yours warms me, excites me, and cuts to the heart of me.

intensity

That was very intense. My body reverberating with this desire for you. I had to keep my distance because I felt like I just wanted to reach out and grab you by the back of the neck and gently but firmly pull you into me and just bring you into me until we were skin to skin and I could feel your heart beating against my chest. I had to tell you i was feeling that way so you would understand why I was standing back and giving myself some space.

I have been able to control myself for the most part but there are just times I cannot.  You are so beautiful and you are giving off this powerful energy that my body just responds to. You are something else.

I am going to walk for an hour and see if that settles my body enough so I can lay next to you tonight without my heart beating out of my chest.

Daily journal 11/19

  What am I grateful for?

The conversations we are still able to have

The opportunity to become better

The joy my child has in play

Being able to love without expectation

What is weighing on me right now?

The struggle you are going through

Missing the ability just to hold hands

Being unable to express my love

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Just keep going

working out tonight

Holding space for my feelings

Daily Journal 11/18

  What am I grateful for?

My kids

Waking up without a headache

Doing math homework with my youngest

electric razors

What is weighing on me right now?

Not seeing the person I want to see

Two new projects at work

How do I keep this from my kids

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Perform well in my meeting with my boss

Knock out at least one title work from the new set

Have a calm interaction tonight

Mornings

Mornings are hard. Lying next to you while you sleep, waiting for the alarm or the child to shatter the calm. I can't touch you, though I wish I could. I just lay here and feel your presence beside me. I used to touch your knee or elbow, anything close to me for a moment of connection. I've stopped, it hurts each time you pull away like you touched a hot stove, but this morning your thigh was pressed against my knee. I held it there, not breathing for fear I would break the spell, then finally I pulled away slowly, gently. 

I'm getting stronger I think. But some moments I know it's not enough yet. 

daily journal 11/17

 What am I grateful for?

Getting my son off to school happy

Having a flexible work schedule

Having a roof over my families head

A mostly full nights sleep

Getting to see her

What is weighing on me right now?

The logistics of the next step

Wanting to work but feeling like I am drowning

How to make more money to better support us

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Go to my appointment

Complete 3 tasks at work

Go for a walk tonight

not my circus

Its not my circus anymore. I just have to keep telling myself that. I am not your man. I am not responsible for your happiness or well being. I should not try to help you. When you are having trouble or spiraling, I have to turn off the human side of me and remind myself. Not my circus, not my monkeys. You don't want my help, and more often than not my attempts to help only hurt, so I need to stop trying. I need to walk away and let you do what you plan to do to take care of it. You do not want my help. Not my circus.

dont wait

Don't wait. Do it now, because there is no guarantee that she will still want to do those things with you later. Find the babysitter, go out, spend time together, because one day she won't want to anymore, and even though its the one thing you've been waiting for for years, she will be done with you and you'll have missed your chance. She's going to go do all those things you wanted to do together with someone else and you get to be the babysitter.

Done

I AM DONE. She says it like a shield and it feels like a gunshot. I know you're done. I know it to my core. We still need to coexist though. I still need to know how to interact with you. 

I was surprised and hurt but not because of what you think. I was hurt because I have been trying so hard to be respectful of your space and your boundaries, only to find out that I have been crossing them without you telling me. Now I am pulling back and I dont know har far to go. I can't ask you because you'll say im needy for just wanting clarification on something you consider DONE. So I'll try to right myself,  to pull back without going too far. 

I also thought our talk was good and we were getting somewhere, and now it feels like 5 steps backward. 

heartbreak

It's the first and last time we'll do karaoke together. I loved seeing you out with the family and laughing and having fun, but it broke my heart into a thousand pieces knowing it's  the last time. I want to sp3nd so many more nights with you. I want to see you laugh and smile so much more, bit that will never happen. Your smiles and laughs are for someone else now. Your heart is for someone else now, and it kills me knowing that. Im dying while you smile. 

This morning

 I love you so much it feels like wings on my heart and a weight on my chest. You are so beautiful and amazing. Your light is so bright, I don't know why I couldn't tell you before. I love you so much that your smile saves me, even as the reason for that smile kills me.

I want you to love me back, I want you to feel safe in my arms and to let me hold you every day and all night. I want to kiss your forehead every night before we fall asleep, and hold you in the quiet before we wake up. I want to hold your hand everywhere we go, and kiss your delicate fingers.

I am so sorry for the pain I've caused you. I am sorry for all that you've endured alone while I was in the clouds. I'm sorry for all the love I didn't show, and all the words I didn't say. I will never forgive myself for doing that to you. You are the most important person in my life, and I did that to you.

I wish you could give us another chance. I want to spend the next decade of my life growing into the type of person I should be, and the man you deserve. I want to spend the next decade helping you heal from the trauma and shine as bright as you can. I want to build our relationship brick by brick until it is stronger than it ever was. I want dates. Movie dates, dinner dates, dances. I want to take you places and be with you, and I want you to be with me. 

I love you so much, and I hope that you find happiness and peace in the paths you walk down. 

Like Stars

I love you. It's not a new love, fast and hot like a shooting star, here and then gone.

I love you. It's not a lost love, a love like a dying star, hot and destructive but ultimately doomed to fade.

I love you in the form of a galaxy. Thousands of happy moments and feelings fill my heart to create a tapestry of lights that lasts for eons. Only after every light, every moment, every smile, and every feeling fades and disappears will my love fail.  

You don't have to ask, you cannot tell me I do not, you never have to wonder if I still love you. My love will be there whenever you look for it, just like the stars in the night sky.

Caring

 I know that it can be annoying. I know it probably hurts sometimes. I always want to take care of you. I am always trying to support you.

I know that it must feel like too little too late, and where was this before, and you are right. I stopped myself from doing these things. I trapped myself and tricked myself into thinking that it wasn't right somehow.

I know you want me to stop, to just quit trying to be supportive and to care, but I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. This is who I have always wanted to be. I have always wanted to care and support, and now that I can I will not let it go. I am striving to be a better man, a caring man, a supportive man. Not just to you, but to our family as well. I want to be present, and supportive, caring, trustworthy. I have to be these things every day, actively, intentionally so that they become second nature.

That means that I am going to keep supporting you, and caring for you. You can refuse it of course, and I will not push it on you when you do. I will still care though, and I will still be there when you are ready for it.

Positive to Negative

 Something happened last night. There is turmoil in my home and it is affecting all members in different ways and at different speeds. A family member had a hard time and I was there to console them. I wished you had been there because everything they said you have said to me. It was all the feelings we've felt, only delayed because they were masking it.

We spoke for a time and I let them get all the feelings out. I think it was helpful and I was glad I could be present and available for them. But when I came back to you, you were upset about it. I was so confused. I thought you would be pleased. Finally! They listened and have started to deal with the issue instead of trying to ignore it! I know there were other things going on that had an effect as well. I just thought this would be a positive to balance out some of the negative going on, and yet it was added to the negative pile instead.

I was upset because I couldn't help, but I was so confused that this thing we had recently talked about and hoped for had become something you were angry over and even belittling at times. I do not know where to go from here. At times it feels like breathing is enough to anger you, and trying to talk about it makes it seemingly worse. I hope this is not what the future holds for us.

Regardless of where the paths lead, we will be walking them in parallel if not together, and I want to find a space between us where we can be open and honest and safe. That is what I am working toward. 

Rambling to release the emotions

 I don't know what it was, but something hit hard just now. My chest tightened and tears threatened to fall. I have no clue what caused it. I was working, had a silly anime on in the background, and keeping an eye on the little one.

 I have to figure out these triggers. I cannot keep doing this. I do not have a problem having emotions, but I have to have some semblance of control.

 And what about her. Do I tell her? She's the only one I can tell, but I am starting to feel like she doesn't want to hear it anymore. She's been using the term needy a lot, and I honestly do not know what she means. I thought it was when I pushed for her opinion after she dismissed my request. Then I thought it was because I brought something up during a time when other more important things were going on. Now I have no clue. I feel like it just means whenever I ask her to deal with something from me that she doesn't want to. So now I don't want her to deal with anything. 

 It sucks because withholding is how I got myself into this problem, overthinking what I tell her and trying to intuit her response. I need a therapist. Someone I can talk to about these feelings that is not her. I do not know why it is so hard to find one. I feel most depressed when I try to get help and hit one roadblock after another.

 I feel like I am doing okay with our situation, but it's that piled on top of the need for therapy piled on top of the difficulty in getting it that makes everything just so heavy that I want to lay down and not get up. 

Even more frustrating. My psychologist listened just long enough to give me more meds. I cannot be medicated to wellness. I need to do the work. I just didn't think I would have to do it all on my own...

In the corner

I did not put myself in the corner. If it were up to me you and I  would be under the same blanket, your leg over mine, your head on my shoulder, our fingers interlocked. Some nights I would wrap you in my arms, my chest against your back. I would slow my breathing so that I could feel your heartbeat and hear your breath as you slowly drift off. And even others I would scratch or your rub your back till I felt you slowly fade into your dreams then, still under the same blanket, still close, I would drift off to my own dreams of you.

I want always to be closer to you, I want to bring down the physical and emotional walls between us. I know that will take time and I'm willing to work at it one painful block at a time.

Not much to say

I feel like the universe is punishing me. It is filling her sails and pushing toward a future without me. We can both see it, it is as obvious as the sunrise.

But then why is the universe pushing me to chase her. No matter how I turn the sails, the wind blows me in her direction. I do not need help loving her, wanting her, or chasing her. I need help in stopping these things.

I'm trying so hard to work on myself. To focus on growth and mindset and being a better me. I'm not doing it to get her back. I never could. There is no growth that would eclipse the hurt, no mindset that could heal away her pain, no version of me that could defeat the monster I was.

I know all this. So why is everything I see about reconciliation! Every post, every ad, every quote. Where are the self help posts. Where are the work on yourself quotes. I'd even like to see the "become a better you" ads if they didn't include "for your spouse" or "to get her back."

Of course I want her back Universe! Asshole! I want nothing more than to go back to the moment I lost the battle with the fog in my brain and smack myself. To stop all the pain and hurt and anxiety I caused her. But I can't. And there is no way forward there. So stop sending me this bullshit.

She says once I'm in tune with myself it will all make sense. But how am I to do that, when the universe is trying so hard to tear me apart!

Fucking universe