Messed Up

 I fucked up. I said something that wasn't true and hurt her, then I slid right back into disassociating with my phone when I should have been present.

It's hard not to tear myself down right now. It's hard not to feel like I've ruined all of the work I put in to being a better person. It's hard not to feel like it's impossible.

I have to remind myself again and again that this was a mistake, not the end. I can learn from this, put into action things that will prevent this in the future, and keep working toward being that better person. I have to prove to myself I can do this. I have to stay humble, and not get too comfortable in thinking I am so far ahead that I can't fall all the way back down.

I hate that it was so easy to slip back into. I am so thankful for her, even though I hate that she has to do this. She pointed it out in the most blunt and straightforward way that left no room for me to argue. And she was right. I hate disappointing her again, because I know I have so many times before. I want to never do it again, but I cannot promise that. I can only try again and again to do better, for me and her and our family. 

I do not want to be her burden anymore, so I have to build myself up so she never has to call me out.