I don't know what it was, but something hit hard just now. My chest tightened and tears threatened to fall. I have no clue what caused it. I was working, had a silly anime on in the background, and keeping an eye on the little one.
I have to figure out these triggers. I cannot keep doing this. I do not have a problem having emotions, but I have to have some semblance of control.
And what about her. Do I tell her? She's the only one I can tell, but I am starting to feel like she doesn't want to hear it anymore. She's been using the term needy a lot, and I honestly do not know what she means. I thought it was when I pushed for her opinion after she dismissed my request. Then I thought it was because I brought something up during a time when other more important things were going on. Now I have no clue. I feel like it just means whenever I ask her to deal with something from me that she doesn't want to. So now I don't want her to deal with anything.
It sucks because withholding is how I got myself into this problem, overthinking what I tell her and trying to intuit her response. I need a therapist. Someone I can talk to about these feelings that is not her. I do not know why it is so hard to find one. I feel most depressed when I try to get help and hit one roadblock after another.
I feel like I am doing okay with our situation, but it's that piled on top of the need for therapy piled on top of the difficulty in getting it that makes everything just so heavy that I want to lay down and not get up.
Even more frustrating. My psychologist listened just long enough to give me more meds. I cannot be medicated to wellness. I need to do the work. I just didn't think I would have to do it all on my own...
No comments:
Post a Comment