Opinions that do not matter

I have to remind myself sometimes. It's not easy, because before yours was the only opinion that mattered. Now, what you think about me has nothing to do with me. 

If you don't want to believe me, I do not need you to. Your mood is not my responsibility. I don't have to fix it, make you happy, explain myself. I did what I did and said what I said. How you take it is entirely up to you and has no effect on my life.

I know what it said is true, and my opinion of myself is what matters.

One touch

 That was all it took. Her hand on my cheek. The world froze for a second. Not because her hand was cold, which it was, but because it felt so normal, so simple, so comfortable. 

But my brain said no! This is not normal anymore. This is odd, do not be taken in by kindness and warmth and the illusion of comfort. My body was completely fooled. It was ready to lean into the comfort. 

Can't go back

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. There's no going back now. The bridge has been fully burned. She loves another and she has made it clear. I have heard enough about him and her feelings that I can no longer look at her the same way. 

If she came to me tomorrow and said she was wrong and she wants to go back, I would have to say no. I cannot go back. I cannot go back to the toxic relationship we had, and it was toxic for both of us. We both need to grow before we should try again with anyone.

I've started that journey. At first it was for her, then for my kids, and now it's for me. I want to be a better person, the kind I can love so I can receive love. 

I hope she can grow as well. I dont think loving this man is it. But I cannot tell her how to walk her road, because I barely know how to walk mine. I just hope she finds peace and happiness on her road. 

why aladdin

Do you know why, when anything halloween comes up, my first thought is Aladdin? Because you were Jasmine, and you were jaw dropping. My first thought is not aladdin. Its not the silly pants or the little hat. Its the braid, and the tanned skin, and the demure smile you wore. It was you. You are why I go to Aladdin.

There a thousand small ways that you have influenced my world. The memories I hold are only the ones I connect with you. 

I love the hunchback of note dame cartoon movie, always have. But after knowing you, it is my favorite, because you ARE Esmerelda. Beauty and fire and sass. You would rather burn than wilt.

There is a whole world out there untouched by you, but it is not a world I've ever wanted to see, because it would lack all the colors I love so much, the smells that bring me joy and peace, the sites that send my heart soaring. 

You are the color, and the warmth, and the light that turns Grey and dreary winter into vibrant and renewing spring. 

So yes Aladdin is my first thought on my costume, becaus Jasmine was yours.

All knotted up

It was one of the cutest and most endearing things you used to do. That should have been a clue that you were unhappy, when you stopped doing it. Now I miss it.

Whenever I would wear something that had strings around the neck, a hoodie or a jacket, didn't matter what, you would make a little know at the top and then braid it down as you talked to me. So simple, yet so loving. I could see the pure happiness on your face and the look you gave me was pure and innocent. 

Your small dexterous hands wove the strings and your eyes captured my gaze. It would take me forever to pull it apart, but I would happily spend an hour unraveling it if it meant you would do it again the next time you saw me. 

Now, whenever something I wear has strings, I debate on whether to cut them off or live with this tiny reminder of your innocent love everywhere I go.

pillow memory

There's a memory i have of you. You are laying on a pillow facing me, and I am facing you. Inches separate us, only inches between your eyes and mine, and I am looking into them.

Why does it feel like flying, why does my heart feel like I'm at the top of a roller coaster? Why does it feel like diving, as if I am held in waters cool embrace? Why does it feel like falling, down down down into an abyss.

Why is it whenever I look into your eyes I'm brought back to that moment, that memory, that feeling of flying, falling, and diving. 

Damn, cat

She did it again today. I was hiding in the bathroom, my heart into pieces on the floor, trying not to so too loudly. 

I couldn't move, and breathing felt like daggers. Just another line severed between us, no big deal. One less thing to talk about, one more thing to divide us.

I have to match your energy, and thats the part that makes me weep. Because I cannot love another. I am not free. I'm supposed to act single, act like we are just roommates, act like I have no interest in you beyond what any other man finds in a woman.

You've had years to deal with the pain and loss, and you are out of those woods and on a new path. I am just starting to get to the darkest part of the Woods.

We set a boundary, and you're lready testing it. Seeing how much you can say before i push back, but it is so raw for me. It feels like the last thread holding together the tapestry of our past. It's cut, but until I pull the pieces out your going to keep talking about it unraveling like its not the end of our life.

Then the cat cries at the door, again and again. Until I have to pull myself together and let her in. She walks in, walks around, and then leaves. And I'm so uncomprehending I just follow, and once I'm out of the bathroom I'm back in the world and the lid shut on that particular box.

Not trying to win you back

I worry that, when I say I am not trying to win you back, that you hear I am no longer fighting for us. That could not be farther from the truth. 

I am not willing to drag you back into the horrible relationship you managed to escape from. That would make me no better than the man I was that hurt you. That man is dead, as is that relationship. I refuse to allow myself to become that again.

That is part of the fight for us. I am fighting to make better habits, to do better, and to be better. Or myself, for the kids, and for you. I am fighting so that one day you might look at me and choose me, the me I become, to love. 

I cannot make you love me, and I do not want to be settled for. I want to become the type of man you reach for instead of one you fall back on. 

So I am not reaching for you, because I am not good enough in my own eyes. I am reaching for a better me. I am fighting for a better me, and in doing so I am fighting for a chance at a new us.

Cradle

 When will it stop I wonder, this desire to scoop you up and cradle you in my arms. When will the weight no my chest stop bringing me back to your head on my shoulder. When anything touching my sides does not remind me of your caress. 

I don't know if that is a day to look forward to, or a day to dread. I believe the day that I stop feeling these things may very well be the day I am laid in the earth, or my ashes are spread by the winds. 

Every touch I imagine, every dreamy caress, every hold I feel in the darkness of my mind forms the cocoon that holds me tight and keeps me safe. 

Even though I wish you were in my arms, it is the thought of you that holds me close.

Magical

December's going to be magical. That's what she heard, and I believe. I feel that. There was snow on the rooftops, our kid was singing Christmas music, and I pulled a Christmas sweater out of the drawer on a whim. 

I feel a shift, and I am going to place my hope and my energy into making sure it is a good one for her, and for our family. I want us all to wake up one day this month and just feel magical.

the happiness I missed

This is the happiness I've always wanted.  Sitting at the counter while we sip drinks and you make food. We talk about whatever nonsense we've heard, kids, work, gossip. We just enjoy each other and the moment. This is what I was missing. This is what I missed. And now, one of these times soon, it will be the last time I get to be here with you.

Better as a memory

A song came on that is emotional for both of us. Better as a memory by Kenny chesney. When we were first showing our feelings I felt like I was going to lose her and I told her this was our song. She argued with me and said that's dumb.We haven't heard it in years, then it played after our split and now it played while we were in the kitchen together. She called me over and we hugged and whispered happy Thanksgiving. Then we went on about our day. It was a calm and kind moment, if also a little sad threaded in there.

morning feelings

I felt so much love for you this morning. I kept catching myself glancing your way. Something in the way you get ready for the day stirs in me so much feeling.

It's sad really, loving you while you get ready to go see someone else. But it's been that way. You don't dress for me. You say you dress for yourself, but your mind is always on someone else. People you'll see today, coworkers, a Love interest.

Still, your morning routine is this strange place where my heart reaches for you, I see the wild haired beautiful you turn into the pristine curated you everyone else sees. 

Every morning I watch his from the corner of my eye, or a stolen glance, and fall for you all over again.

(Sorta) Daily journal 11/24

  What am I grateful for?

That, even when I fuck up, she can still come to me when she needs someone to listen.

That mistakes are not the end, they're just a chance to do better tomorrow.

For the peace she brought just being human with me.

For good routines 

What is weighing on me right now?

I have to make sure the lessons stick. I cannot make those mistakes again (even though i know i might).

I need to be more productive somehow.

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Working in the evening

Painting with her

Messed Up

 I fucked up. I said something that wasn't true and hurt her, then I slid right back into disassociating with my phone when I should have been present.

It's hard not to tear myself down right now. It's hard not to feel like I've ruined all of the work I put in to being a better person. It's hard not to feel like it's impossible.

I have to remind myself again and again that this was a mistake, not the end. I can learn from this, put into action things that will prevent this in the future, and keep working toward being that better person. I have to prove to myself I can do this. I have to stay humble, and not get too comfortable in thinking I am so far ahead that I can't fall all the way back down.

I hate that it was so easy to slip back into. I am so thankful for her, even though I hate that she has to do this. She pointed it out in the most blunt and straightforward way that left no room for me to argue. And she was right. I hate disappointing her again, because I know I have so many times before. I want to never do it again, but I cannot promise that. I can only try again and again to do better, for me and her and our family. 

I do not want to be her burden anymore, so I have to build myself up so she never has to call me out.  

Why

Why do I love you so damn much. Why is my heart so stuck on you. You've found someone else. You've moved on. You've said we're done again and again. Still my heart persists.

Why can't I just accept we're through. You don't love me anymore, there's no going back and no going forward, and yet my soul calls out whenever we are near. 

Why are you so beautiful in my eyes. You've cut me down, called me names, made me feel small and weak and useless. Yet everything you do is a dance, a play, and sultry song that heats my blood.

Why won't my mind rebel. It's so logical, it sees the hurt and the pain and knows the facts and reality, but still it sits back and let's my heart run, hope simmer, and desire soar. 

In the end, why not. 

Not around

I miss you when you're not around. I miss you when you are as well, because you keep me at more than arms length, but when you are not around there is a part of my mind and my heart that is tied to thoughts of you. It feels like I'm not complete.  That's just a feeling I'm going to have to get used to. Being apart is going to be the new normal, and that wall your building will only get taller and thicker.

Window of heaven on the road to hell

Why are you so damned beautiful! How can you break my heart and steal my breath in the same morning. How can you wake up looking like my personal window of heaven, smile so bright I swear you swallowed the stars, move like a dancer across the stage, then nonchalantly tell me you dreamt of him last night. 

It's my own fault of course. You aren't doing any of it on purpose, you're just being. You wake up an angel, your smile always shines, and your walk has always made me weak.

And I asked about your dream. It's my fault, but it's also good. It grounded me back in the real world. Back in the world where I am learning to love you without breaking myself.

I was loving you all morning, never expecting anything back. The dream hurt, but didn't shatter, because I knew that was your world and your life. I can love you while you move through your life and I move through mine. 

I still had to write it though, because your wild hair and smile wouldn't leave me. The desire to kiss your forehead this morning, to take your hand in mine was so strong. But I resisted. 

what was it

Was it real?? A dream? Wishful thinking perhaps? I have been meditating and manifesting and hoping and even praying, but tonight I felt something. I haven't felt it before all the times I've done it. I meditated and placed a hand on my chest and spoke my feelings, spoke my love, spoke my hopes, spoke my dreams. As I spoke I felt my chest get warm, it began to vibrate, and it felt energetic. I kept speaking and repeated my words. It felt like I was heard, like someone was listening and understood. I dont know what that means, if anything, but it felt like someone really heard me.

Give to you as you give to him

Even as you tell me that you miss him and it makes you sad, even as we talk about him like he's the most important thing in your life, I just want to lay beside you and pull you into me. I want to hold you close and breathe in the scent of you. I want to feel your back rise and fall against my chest. I want to press my feet against your feet as you cricket. I want to put my arm over you and pull you close until there is no space left between us, and I just want to stay there.

You can keep talking about him, and your feelings, and how much you miss him, just let me hold you while you do. Let me pour my love into you as you give your thoughts and energy to someone else.

Accept

 I have loved you for more than 25 years. I loved you in high school, sitting and listening to you love others. Even as I went to war and you to marriage, I loved you. I loved you from oceans away, those nights when I fell asleep on the phone were the nights I slept best. I loved you as we sat across from each other at the IHOP, seeing you filling my heart to bursting. I loved you through my marriage, and through your divorce. I loved you through my divorce, and your adventurous phase. I would again sit and listen to you talk about other men wishing you would see me sitting there loving you. I loved becoming your man, raising your kids, how you worked so hard to help me get mine back, and the family we created all together. I loved you as we filled a jar with sand, and gave vows to one another. I loved you as we made a new life together. I loved you as you held our baby boy in your arms. I loved you from house to house, and then finally to our home.

I loved you even as the clouds started to form, even as my mind began tricking me. I loved you as I twisted what you needed into falsehoods of what I thought you wanted. I loved you, even as I hurt you again and again, not seeing the hurt through the constant darkness I was in. I loved you, even as I stepped away because I fooled myself into thinking space was what you needed, when all I wanted to do was hold your hand and kiss your head. I loved you, even as we grew apart and you survived alone and I drowned.

I loved you, even as you tell me you are done. That there was no more love left. I loved you, and watched the darkness finally clear to the cruelty I had caused. I loved you, sitting next to you and listening to the hurt I caused, the list of all the ways I failed you. I loved you even as you told me about the other man, the better man who sees you for who you are. I loved you as you fell in love with him. 

I love you now, even as you want him and can't have him. I love you now, even as you remind me that we are DONE. I love you now, even as my heart breaks at the knowledge we cannot be together.

I will always love you. There is nothing you can do to make me stop. You cannot hurt me enough. I cannot hate you enough, to overcome this ocean of love I have built up for you. So please accept it. Accept that I love you with no expectation of being loved in return. Accept that I love you and I want only to help you find happiness and peace, and that I will do everything in me to make your dreams a reality. Accept that I will always be with you in whatever way I can to support you and care for you.

You are my whole heart, and you always will be.

Love Always,

Me

Burst Heart

 That was rough. Reading those words "he cares about me a lot" broke me. I felt it in my chest like an anvil was placed in the center of me. I couldn't move, I could hardly breathe. I felt like I was dying. It still hurts, like a bruise on my sternum.

 I can't catch my breath. There are tears but they won't fall. So much pain. Fuck, how do I continue like this. It won't be like this every time, will it? Every time she tells me he cares, or someone else. Every time she finds happiness, will it break me over and over?

 I'm so glad she could find happiness and feel that care, but how do I live like this? I'm glad it was a message and she didn't say it to my face. I would not be able to hide the pain that brought. If I wasn't sitting down, it would certainly have brought me to my knees.

 I need to get a thicker skin, to be prepared for those moments. I can't let her see that. That is not her cross to bear. It is mine. I only have love and care to give her, I will keep everything else.  

one thing I dont like

Its the one thing I do not like about you. You are an angel and you treat yourself like you're not.

You have saved lives, banished darkness, fought demons. You bring light to every room you walk into. You fight against evil wherever you find it.

You don't always win, and this world is great at crushing beautiful beings. But you are still here, standing tall, getting stronger every day. 

You are an angel, and I cherish every day I get to feel your light shine upon my face.

Cruel Universe

 Why does the universe have to be so cruel. It gave so many signs to her that this was the way, that he was in her path for a reason. It gave her so much happiness and hope seeing him and interacting with him, and now I don't know how she is going to feel going forward.

 Why would the world do that? Give her these feelings and have him mirror them, just so he can pull away like that! It's not right. She deserves to be happy. I want her to be happy, even though it's not with me. I want her to be that giddy teenage girl again, falling hard and feeling free. I want her to smile and laugh and be light. She has been in a cage for so long, it is time for her to fly! So why did the universe do this. What are we supposed to learn from this?

 I was fine with the universe giving me all the shit. Poking me and prodding me with love here and reconciliation there, constantly assaulting my broken heart with things it could never hope to have. I was fine with it even when it knocked me to my knees, because at least on the other side of all that was her getting every sign that she wanted. So now what universe. What signs will you give now. I am starting to see lost love messages everywhere, all saying how I will never get you back but I will love you always, and I feel that to my bones. It shakes me like an earthquake because I feel like that is reality.

 What about her?! What is her reality now. It wasn't all wrapped around him, but he is an integral part of it, and now it is shrouded in confusion and longing and pain.  I know she is strong and he will get through this, but she has been strong ling enough! Now is the time she should get to be soft, to be loved and cared for. She won't let me do that for her, but damn it I wish I could.

 I'm upset with you universe, and I hope you will make it right with her. She deserves better than what happened.  

choose

I want you to be with me. I want you to choose us. I have a desperate hope that you will look at me one day and say I choose this.

I know i failed you and us. I am choosing us every day now. In the quiet of the morning I close my eyes and reaffirm that I want it to be us, I want it to be you. I will love you freely, without any expectation. I will show you care because you deserve to be cared about. I will be your friend even if it hurts.

I will never ask you to choose us. I will not be the runner up for your love. Its one of the few things my heart couldn't handle. I need you to choose us, and to tell me you do. I will continue to live and support you even if those words never come, but if they do then we can truly start over. We can build a new life and relationship together.

I love you.

Love Always,

Me

unmoving

When I woke this morning you leg was resting on my knee. I was in a awkward position, but in that moment I would have stayed like that for hours. Even as the ache in my hips grew and my shoulder cried out, I held on to that touch. Then you shifted and it was gone, and even under all the covers I felt colder than before. Every touch of yours warms me, excites me, and cuts to the heart of me.

intensity

That was very intense. My body reverberating with this desire for you. I had to keep my distance because I felt like I just wanted to reach out and grab you by the back of the neck and gently but firmly pull you into me and just bring you into me until we were skin to skin and I could feel your heart beating against my chest. I had to tell you i was feeling that way so you would understand why I was standing back and giving myself some space.

I have been able to control myself for the most part but there are just times I cannot.  You are so beautiful and you are giving off this powerful energy that my body just responds to. You are something else.

I am going to walk for an hour and see if that settles my body enough so I can lay next to you tonight without my heart beating out of my chest.

Daily journal 11/19

  What am I grateful for?

The conversations we are still able to have

The opportunity to become better

The joy my child has in play

Being able to love without expectation

What is weighing on me right now?

The struggle you are going through

Missing the ability just to hold hands

Being unable to express my love

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Just keep going

working out tonight

Holding space for my feelings

Daily Journal 11/18

  What am I grateful for?

My kids

Waking up without a headache

Doing math homework with my youngest

electric razors

What is weighing on me right now?

Not seeing the person I want to see

Two new projects at work

How do I keep this from my kids

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Perform well in my meeting with my boss

Knock out at least one title work from the new set

Have a calm interaction tonight

Mornings

Mornings are hard. Lying next to you while you sleep, waiting for the alarm or the child to shatter the calm. I can't touch you, though I wish I could. I just lay here and feel your presence beside me. I used to touch your knee or elbow, anything close to me for a moment of connection. I've stopped, it hurts each time you pull away like you touched a hot stove, but this morning your thigh was pressed against my knee. I held it there, not breathing for fear I would break the spell, then finally I pulled away slowly, gently. 

I'm getting stronger I think. But some moments I know it's not enough yet. 

daily journal 11/17

 What am I grateful for?

Getting my son off to school happy

Having a flexible work schedule

Having a roof over my families head

A mostly full nights sleep

Getting to see her

What is weighing on me right now?

The logistics of the next step

Wanting to work but feeling like I am drowning

How to make more money to better support us

What are three things I can do today that will make today a success?

Go to my appointment

Complete 3 tasks at work

Go for a walk tonight

not my circus

Its not my circus anymore. I just have to keep telling myself that. I am not your man. I am not responsible for your happiness or well being. I should not try to help you. When you are having trouble or spiraling, I have to turn off the human side of me and remind myself. Not my circus, not my monkeys. You don't want my help, and more often than not my attempts to help only hurt, so I need to stop trying. I need to walk away and let you do what you plan to do to take care of it. You do not want my help. Not my circus.

dont wait

Don't wait. Do it now, because there is no guarantee that she will still want to do those things with you later. Find the babysitter, go out, spend time together, because one day she won't want to anymore, and even though its the one thing you've been waiting for for years, she will be done with you and you'll have missed your chance. She's going to go do all those things you wanted to do together with someone else and you get to be the babysitter.

Done

I AM DONE. She says it like a shield and it feels like a gunshot. I know you're done. I know it to my core. We still need to coexist though. I still need to know how to interact with you. 

I was surprised and hurt but not because of what you think. I was hurt because I have been trying so hard to be respectful of your space and your boundaries, only to find out that I have been crossing them without you telling me. Now I am pulling back and I dont know har far to go. I can't ask you because you'll say im needy for just wanting clarification on something you consider DONE. So I'll try to right myself,  to pull back without going too far. 

I also thought our talk was good and we were getting somewhere, and now it feels like 5 steps backward. 

heartbreak

It's the first and last time we'll do karaoke together. I loved seeing you out with the family and laughing and having fun, but it broke my heart into a thousand pieces knowing it's  the last time. I want to sp3nd so many more nights with you. I want to see you laugh and smile so much more, bit that will never happen. Your smiles and laughs are for someone else now. Your heart is for someone else now, and it kills me knowing that. Im dying while you smile. 

This morning

 I love you so much it feels like wings on my heart and a weight on my chest. You are so beautiful and amazing. Your light is so bright, I don't know why I couldn't tell you before. I love you so much that your smile saves me, even as the reason for that smile kills me.

I want you to love me back, I want you to feel safe in my arms and to let me hold you every day and all night. I want to kiss your forehead every night before we fall asleep, and hold you in the quiet before we wake up. I want to hold your hand everywhere we go, and kiss your delicate fingers.

I am so sorry for the pain I've caused you. I am sorry for all that you've endured alone while I was in the clouds. I'm sorry for all the love I didn't show, and all the words I didn't say. I will never forgive myself for doing that to you. You are the most important person in my life, and I did that to you.

I wish you could give us another chance. I want to spend the next decade of my life growing into the type of person I should be, and the man you deserve. I want to spend the next decade helping you heal from the trauma and shine as bright as you can. I want to build our relationship brick by brick until it is stronger than it ever was. I want dates. Movie dates, dinner dates, dances. I want to take you places and be with you, and I want you to be with me. 

I love you so much, and I hope that you find happiness and peace in the paths you walk down. 

Like Stars

I love you. It's not a new love, fast and hot like a shooting star, here and then gone.

I love you. It's not a lost love, a love like a dying star, hot and destructive but ultimately doomed to fade.

I love you in the form of a galaxy. Thousands of happy moments and feelings fill my heart to create a tapestry of lights that lasts for eons. Only after every light, every moment, every smile, and every feeling fades and disappears will my love fail.  

You don't have to ask, you cannot tell me I do not, you never have to wonder if I still love you. My love will be there whenever you look for it, just like the stars in the night sky.

Caring

 I know that it can be annoying. I know it probably hurts sometimes. I always want to take care of you. I am always trying to support you.

I know that it must feel like too little too late, and where was this before, and you are right. I stopped myself from doing these things. I trapped myself and tricked myself into thinking that it wasn't right somehow.

I know you want me to stop, to just quit trying to be supportive and to care, but I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. This is who I have always wanted to be. I have always wanted to care and support, and now that I can I will not let it go. I am striving to be a better man, a caring man, a supportive man. Not just to you, but to our family as well. I want to be present, and supportive, caring, trustworthy. I have to be these things every day, actively, intentionally so that they become second nature.

That means that I am going to keep supporting you, and caring for you. You can refuse it of course, and I will not push it on you when you do. I will still care though, and I will still be there when you are ready for it.

Positive to Negative

 Something happened last night. There is turmoil in my home and it is affecting all members in different ways and at different speeds. A family member had a hard time and I was there to console them. I wished you had been there because everything they said you have said to me. It was all the feelings we've felt, only delayed because they were masking it.

We spoke for a time and I let them get all the feelings out. I think it was helpful and I was glad I could be present and available for them. But when I came back to you, you were upset about it. I was so confused. I thought you would be pleased. Finally! They listened and have started to deal with the issue instead of trying to ignore it! I know there were other things going on that had an effect as well. I just thought this would be a positive to balance out some of the negative going on, and yet it was added to the negative pile instead.

I was upset because I couldn't help, but I was so confused that this thing we had recently talked about and hoped for had become something you were angry over and even belittling at times. I do not know where to go from here. At times it feels like breathing is enough to anger you, and trying to talk about it makes it seemingly worse. I hope this is not what the future holds for us.

Regardless of where the paths lead, we will be walking them in parallel if not together, and I want to find a space between us where we can be open and honest and safe. That is what I am working toward. 

Rambling to release the emotions

 I don't know what it was, but something hit hard just now. My chest tightened and tears threatened to fall. I have no clue what caused it. I was working, had a silly anime on in the background, and keeping an eye on the little one.

 I have to figure out these triggers. I cannot keep doing this. I do not have a problem having emotions, but I have to have some semblance of control.

 And what about her. Do I tell her? She's the only one I can tell, but I am starting to feel like she doesn't want to hear it anymore. She's been using the term needy a lot, and I honestly do not know what she means. I thought it was when I pushed for her opinion after she dismissed my request. Then I thought it was because I brought something up during a time when other more important things were going on. Now I have no clue. I feel like it just means whenever I ask her to deal with something from me that she doesn't want to. So now I don't want her to deal with anything. 

 It sucks because withholding is how I got myself into this problem, overthinking what I tell her and trying to intuit her response. I need a therapist. Someone I can talk to about these feelings that is not her. I do not know why it is so hard to find one. I feel most depressed when I try to get help and hit one roadblock after another.

 I feel like I am doing okay with our situation, but it's that piled on top of the need for therapy piled on top of the difficulty in getting it that makes everything just so heavy that I want to lay down and not get up. 

Even more frustrating. My psychologist listened just long enough to give me more meds. I cannot be medicated to wellness. I need to do the work. I just didn't think I would have to do it all on my own...

In the corner

I did not put myself in the corner. If it were up to me you and I  would be under the same blanket, your leg over mine, your head on my shoulder, our fingers interlocked. Some nights I would wrap you in my arms, my chest against your back. I would slow my breathing so that I could feel your heartbeat and hear your breath as you slowly drift off. And even others I would scratch or your rub your back till I felt you slowly fade into your dreams then, still under the same blanket, still close, I would drift off to my own dreams of you.

I want always to be closer to you, I want to bring down the physical and emotional walls between us. I know that will take time and I'm willing to work at it one painful block at a time.

Not much to say

I feel like the universe is punishing me. It is filling her sails and pushing toward a future without me. We can both see it, it is as obvious as the sunrise.

But then why is the universe pushing me to chase her. No matter how I turn the sails, the wind blows me in her direction. I do not need help loving her, wanting her, or chasing her. I need help in stopping these things.

I'm trying so hard to work on myself. To focus on growth and mindset and being a better me. I'm not doing it to get her back. I never could. There is no growth that would eclipse the hurt, no mindset that could heal away her pain, no version of me that could defeat the monster I was.

I know all this. So why is everything I see about reconciliation! Every post, every ad, every quote. Where are the self help posts. Where are the work on yourself quotes. I'd even like to see the "become a better you" ads if they didn't include "for your spouse" or "to get her back."

Of course I want her back Universe! Asshole! I want nothing more than to go back to the moment I lost the battle with the fog in my brain and smack myself. To stop all the pain and hurt and anxiety I caused her. But I can't. And there is no way forward there. So stop sending me this bullshit.

She says once I'm in tune with myself it will all make sense. But how am I to do that, when the universe is trying so hard to tear me apart!

Fucking universe

How to stop

I don't know how I'm going to stop falling for you. I think I'm fine, loving you in my way, keeping my emotional distance to stay where we are. Then you walk down the stairs in your costume and my heart falls to the floor. Its not anything risqué, and you wear it every year. In the years past I admired it through a fog of self doubt and self sabotage.

This is the first year it feels like I saw you without all that in the way, and you were bewitching. I could feel my heart skip a beat. I could not stop myself from complimenting you like a Love sick fool. I managed to stop after a while but I know it was too late. So how do I do it, how do I stop falling.

Thankful

We had a talk today and it opened my eyes and helped me to feel more ready for some things. I'm not chasing a friendship with you. Im sitting squarely at roommates and thats ok. The holiday is hard for us, the whole family dynamic has changed rapidly. We said out loud that we are going to rely on each other to get through the holidays, and that took a weight off my mind. 

Then we sat together, and just sat. I didn't feel any tension and it sounds like you didn't either. It was calm and quiet. It felt like this is possible. Being around each other without any hopes or expectations, any fears or doubts. Just two people walking together toward the same goal.

Im thankful for that, and I am thankful for you.

Where we are

 I have to separate myself from this, but I'm not sure how. Every time we spend time together I am so happy because it feels like how I wanted it to be all these years. The fog is gone, the voice that lied to me only a murmur. I can just be with you. I can be in the moment and feel your presence and your light.

So how do I give that up now that I finally have it. I have to, of course. It sends my heart soaring forward to a place where we are friends. When I rub your back or scratch that itch, I think this is helping build a bridge, that we are building a bond to friendship. Then you remind me with brutal efficiency that this is not the case. We are NOT friends. We are roommates, and not to the "get along" kind. We are co livers.

It crushes me every time. You are firmly in the roommate phase and I keep trying to step forward, and I have to stop. I have to just be a roommate. But what about all the things that make me happy, that bring me joy. Do I have to lose them again. Spending time with you, putting lotion on your legs, hearing the gentle sigh when I find the itch or that sore spot with my thumb.

How can that be ok? How can I separate my joy from this drive to be friends. I don't want to be sad all the time, and alone. I've been there and it was a well so deep I almost drowned. So how do I grow if I'm forced back in that hole. 

Dresses

 So many dresses. I went through them to find one we have been looking for. I pulled out each one, made it ready to be worn with the sleeves right or turned right side out, then I held it up, imagined you in it, then set it aside.

I told you often I love you in dresses, and now I wonder if that's why you stopped wearing them. Why would you dress up for someone you do not feel comfortable with. I know how strong willed you are, and how little my opinion matters, but maybe it tipped a scale I wasn't aware of.

I have watched you dress and undress, change and try on so many clothes over the years. In this tiny little world I've been living in it is a time I have often treasured. I have to expand my world, and those moments are coming to an end.

I hope that there will come a time when you wear dresses again. 

I do still love you

I had to say it. But only once. I won't say it again. I do still love you. The look you gave was all that needed to be said. It looked like exasperation, and annoyance, and anger all wrapped in one quick glare. I do still love you, and my love for you has only grown. Now that I can see clearly, now that I'm actively fighting my bad thoughts, I see all the reasons why I loved you before and all the things you do now. So I still love you, that's not going to change. I know that might hurt to hear, which is why I won't say it again, but I had to let you know. 

I still love you. I whisper it each night before I fall asleep, and it screams in my head when I look at your face. 

Apologies

 I am so very sorry. Moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day I say it a thousand times in my head and out loud. I say it on my walks, and while I work, and when I sit by myself. I know it doesn't change anything, but I have to say it. When I stop it begins to fill me up like a cup in a waterfall. I do not think the apologies will ever end, because I do not know how I could ever be sorry enough for all that I put you through. Every time we talk I find more bad I've done, more pain I've caused, and more reasons to apologize. 

At first I thought there might be a day when I could show you I have changed enough that you might begin to forgive me, to heal the wounds I've opened, and maybe one day I might even be able to forgive myself for my actions and inactions and blindness to it all. But now I cannot see that day. It feels like lifetimes will have to pass before those wounds might start to heal. 

If that is so, then I hope that I will find you in the next life and the next, and show my better self every time, and give my apologies in every life, until a day comes when we meet and all your wounds have turned to scars, and all the scars have faded away, and the me you meet is a person you can forgive, even if by then the why is long forgotten. I hope somewhere deep in my soul, when that forgiveness comes I will be able to receive it, and slowly stitch up the wounds I've created in myself. 

As I go, what I hope

I know it's a journey. It's not a straight line. There will be setbacks and turn arounds. I know that what I've gone through is only the beginning, and only a tiny fraction of what I've put you through over the years. 

You've been through all this already, you have run the marathon and made it to the finish line. You are off on a new journey now. I have just left the starting line and I know this will be a long road.

Knowing all that, I can still say this. I will love you forever. I will always see your beauty. You are the light that will cast a shadow on any relationships I may have in the future. The lens by which I will compare all things.

I know you will never believe me when I say it, but I hope one day when the person you trust, the person you feel safe with, tells you you are beautiful, you can finally see it.

Pull

You draw people. You have a magnetism that pulls people to you. It is incredibly strong. I have seen it for years. I've felt it always. This need to be near you, ever closer to you. Others feel it too.

Now that we are where we are, it is maddening. I put things between us (tables, counters, chairs) because I feel the tug in my chest. My head swivels back to you again and again. Every time, without fail, I end up next to you. So close I could place a hand on your lower back or plant a kiss on your forehead. I try to pull away, to push against the draw. It is like wading in wet cement. It takes everything in me to keep that bit of distance, to not reach out. 

I do not know if this pull will last forever. Its been going on for decades and has only grown in strength. My only hope is that your repulsion of me will keep creating the space I need to keep away.

Maybe one day in the far future, with enough distance and time, I will no longer feel the pull.

That damn cat

 I don't know where I would be right now if not for that damned cat and feeding time. 

I was so lost, so overwhelmed. Crying and screaming and dying into a silly bed my kid made. My heart was shattering and shattering. I couldn't breathe, couldn't lift my head from the pillows. I couldn't anything. I couldn't be. So much pain I caused was just piling on top of me, pushing my head down harder. 

I felt like giving up. Just screaming all the air out and not letting any back in.

But the cat needed to be fed. She jumped on the bed and cried at me. Moved around the bed and cried again. I would lift my hand and she would dart toward the door, only to come back and cry again. I turned my head from the pillow and said "ok, I'm going." She didn't accept that and kept crying till I was up and moving. 

I got her food, and made the bed. I cleaned the litter box. I made my morning calls. I'm going to cut the lawn. I do not know about tomorrow, but I know I'll be feeding that damn cat at least.

calming the noise

There was a noise. It wasn't words, it wasn't anything I could articulate but it was just getting louder and louder and I knew I needed calm or comfort. Something to still the sound in my body. My first thought immediately was holding your hand in the bed. But I'm not stupid I knew that was too intimate, too much. So as it got louder and louder I thought laying in bed together would be enough for me and settle the sound to something manageable at least. but I know that was rude of me to ask. I should not rely on you. You do not need to be in the middle of this. You said you were done with our relationship and I need to respect that. I'm afraid I will have to keep coming to you to talk until I find a therapist. I have nothing else. That makes me feel worse because I am the source of so much of your pain and so much of your anxiety.

wish I knew

There's so much I wish I knew. The signs were there but nobody taught them to me. When you walled yourself off in blankets I told myself it was for comfort, even though it felt like rejection to me. An attempt to force space between us. It was that, but so you'd feel safe.

When you first started covering your face with me around I thought you were being coy and cute. Then I said you were worried about bad breathe. Eventually I realized too late you were hiding from me. Another form of protection.

How many other signs did I ignore or explain away. How many chances did I have to catch myself. I wish I knew.

I wish I knew all the little ways your body screamed for safety that I ignored or dismissed.

dead thing

 I don't know why I was trying to heal something that you already declared dead. I wasn't trying to put things back to the way they were, I only wanted to take away some of the pain and save whatever I could. But there is nothing to save. There's no need to work through resentment if there is no relationship to feel it in. There's no reason to build connections if they lead to nothing. 

I wanted to salvage as much as I could in hopes that it would help us get to a place of understanding, and maybe one day friendship. I was just putting band-aids on a dead bird, knowing it will never fly but pretending there is a chance it may hop.

I'm still trying to work through the pain I cause and the damage I've done. It's still there for me and I still have to accept it all and grow from it. That does not mean I have to keep dragging you into it though. If it is dead, then it needs to be buried and mourned, and then we have to move on. 

Little Voice

There is a little voice deep down, next to where I cage my demons. It is so quiet and soft that it sounds like wind through the leaves. I cannot understand the words, but I know what it is saying.

It is hope.

Hope that this is not the end. Hope that there's still time. Hope that I can become thw man she always wanted me to be, and that she will still be around to see it. 

We will come together again, new people in a new love that is stronger because of the broken bits and the work to repair them.

It is an impossible hope, a butterfly hoping to visit the moon before it passes. 

I have other hopes, real hopes, attainable goals. To be a better father, better partner. To know myself and heal myself. To become part of the community and make friends.

These are my focus, but that breeze still blows from the very bottom of my soul. I cannot kill it. I cannot pluck that butterflies wings, because it is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I cannot yet bear to watch it die.

Morning beauty to rival the sunrise

She had that wild hair this morning and a pink tank top. She has these little flashes of genuine smile that makes my heart skip a beat whenever I see it. I love the way she moves about the room, the way she does her makeup, and the way she looks at herself in the mirror. Very meticulous and refined as she looks at herself, but I see this wild hair, pink tank top, beautiful smile. It makes my heart ache.

Punishment and Grace

I deserve the relationship we have now. Not just because I ruined our marriage years ago. Your writings showed that clearly. It's because of all the years you were screaming to try and reach me even through the pain, and all the years I was so cruel to you.

I hate that I put you through so much pain, that moving on was the only option you had left, and that it took you telling me that to finally cut through the fog.

The relationship we have now is not punishing me. Knowing that I hurt the one I care about most in this world, and that I did for so long and so cruelly, that is my punishment.

Still being in your life is grace. It is the sliver of light in the dark hole I've put myself.

new routine

I just want to lay in the bed... and drown. But I can't, because I made the bed after I fed the cat. I guess I'll just keep up with the routine that I created for myself. I can do this.

failing

 I try and stumble, try and then fall. she deserves so much more than I can offer. I try to meet her needs but my brain won't let me. I make choices and they are the wrong ones, but they sound so logical when my brain says them. I want to do better, to be better. The pills aren't helping. maybe they mellow me, but then I am indifferent and uncaring. my memory worsens. I feel myself more and more pulling at strings trying to reach the thought I had or the instruction I was given. therapy feels pointless. I cannot remember what it is a should talk about. 

She's going to leave me, and she has every right to. I only hope that when she finds someone new, they bring her coffee every morning, and they are unable to look away when she gets ready like I am.  They will love her the way I do, but also more because they can give her what she needs.